Oprahgeddon

Mark your calendars, Oprah fans -- the last-ever original "Oprah Winfrey Show" will air May 25.

Tickets are selling on the black market for upwards of $16k. Just kidding—no one will sell. Instead, holders of the precious golden tickets are being murdered in their sleep by ticket-hungry fiends. In response, Oprah has changed the topic of her finale to "A Tribute to All Those Who Died Trying to be Here." She will yell, "Let's hear it for the victiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiims!" followed by a barrage of false ebonics. Ms. Winfrey has promised to debut the phrase "me pleeps" before the show ends.

Footnote to "The Opraverse"
I wrote about this a few months ago—should have known Bill Maher would beat me to it:
Bill Maher Downer Bomb